Meri Khudkushi aur Chacha Tota

(shared by a friend as we discussed a few of our colleagues who committed or tried to suicide during our medical school)

Khubsurat to main itna tha ke log 'Hero' kehte the. Amma abba, bhai bahen - sab muhabbat bhi bohat kerte the. PaRhaii main bhi achha tha. Magar....

Bachpan se dil main Allah jaane kese aik - 'endogenous depression' - ghar kar gaya tha. Udas rehta tha. Bazahir koi wajah nahi thi magar bachpan se jawani main qadam rakha to depression ki shiddat baRhti chali gai. Shayerii aur kitabon main panah dhundhi to depression ki aag aur bharak gai. Mazhab ki taraf ragib hua to woh bhi aik dhakoslaa hi lagne laga. Dil hi dil main roz Allah mian se jhagRa kerne laga.

Aahista aahista - andar hi andar khudkushi ke plan banane laga. Medical school ke first year main final year ki aik laRki ko dil de betha aur chupke chupke aik-tarfah ishq kerne laga. Jab us ki shadi ki khabar aayi to pakka irada ker liya khudkushi ka. Jumme ke Din aakhri namaz parh ke - Karimabad ke pul ke neeche se jo train ki paTRi guzarti hai, us pe jaa ke marne ki niyyat ker li. 

Mohalle ki masjid ke bahir har jumme, aik chacha faal niklne ke liye tote ke saath bethte. Hum unhe tote wala chacha kehte. Khudkushi ka plan to bana liya magar andar aik dar bhi tha. Kiya dil main aayi chacha ko kaha faal nikal do. Chacha ne faal nikal ke khud hi paRhi. Unki Aankhon main dar utar aaya. Meri seedhi hateli haath main le ker dekhne lage. Hateli pe qamri ubhar pe bane teekon (Triangle on mount moon) ko dekh ke zor se 'Ya nabi rasulallah' ka naara lagaya. KhaRe huwe, mujhe khaRa kiya. Gale lagaya. Rone lage kehne lage: "Mere bachhe ye zulm na ker. Sach bata, kiya khudkushi ka irada kiya hai?' Main ne jawab diya: "Ji".

Gale laga ker rote rahe. Bole: "Dekh khudkushi kerne wala bara khud garz hota hai. Khud chala jaata hai. Apne piyaroN ko saari zindi ke liye jalti dozakh main daal jaata hai. Apna intiqam un se na le".

Ye baat sun ke amma, abba, bhai, aur behnoN ka chehra aankhon main ghum gaya. Dimagi kaiffiyat thi ya chacha ka koi taaweez. Khud hi ka janaza jaate dekhta hun. Dekhta hun Amma been ker rahi hain, abba ka dil betha jaa raha hai. behnain sogwaar hain. Bhaii himmat haare betha hai.

Bhag ke ghare aaya. Amma ke zaanu main paR ke der tak rota raha. Amma bhi roti rahin. Woh din aur aaj ka din - kabhi phir khudkushi ka khayal na aaya. Raat abba se pehli baar apni dimagi halat ka zikar kiya. Woh bhi rone lage. Dusre din Ziauddin hospital Dr. XXX ke paas le gaye. Ilaj kerwaya. Magar chacha tota ki mantiq sab se ziyada kargar thi.

Samjh aa gaya. Khudkushi aur kuch nahi - apne hi piyaroN pe zulm hai.

Psychiatry main residency ki. Ab yahi nuskha dusroN ko baantta hun - bus zaban angrezi hai