Thrown in with the Wolves

Taken from, sobia, an american 'gori' married to a pakistani dude and writes about inter-culture clashes, problems and shock. (I trimmed the whole post to fit the length, you can read whole post here)


Fellas who live in the US, when you marry a girl from Pakistan and bring her over, DO NOT THROW HER IN WITH THE WOLVES.

I met a very lovely woman, we'll call her Mary, straight from Pakistan on Sunday. Her husband has lived in the US for over 20 years, he's a doctor, and his parents arranged his marriage with her a few months ago, and she's been living here for 4 weeks. She's from a very small town (read village) in Pakistan. They were married and lived together 7 days before he left back for the US. She lived with his family for a few months, and then moved over here to be with him.........

We had invited them over for dinner b/c they are newlyweds.........

I'm happy to report she was quite lovely. I enjoyed her company very much and she was shocked to say she enjoyed mine as well ha. She'd never met an american before. An hour into the conversation, Mary really opened up to me. She told me she was having a horrible time adjusting. Her husband was gone early in the morning until late in the evening, she didn't have a drivers license, she wasn't able to leave the home, she was missing her family, bored and horribly depressed. I asked if she'd spoken to her husband about these things and she said she had and he told her she'd have to "figure everything out on her own."

WHAT THE HELL ? How's she supposed to "figure everything out on her own"? I'm sorry, but Pakistani culture is VERY different from life in the US, I'm surprised that girl hasn't had a nervous break down yet. In PK she'd be surrounded by family..they are very social..meet with their neighbors...here that doesn't happen. She's all alone. She was pulled away from everything and everyone she knows (she doesn't even know her husband that well) and expected to "figure everything out on [her] own???" What an ****** thing to say.

Then she said he told her not to bring anything from home b/c she wouldn't be able to use it here so she brought nothing but salwar kameez and that was it. She was asking me where she could buy an epil lady, and I had to tell her I had no idea b/c we don't generally use those here b/c we don't remove the hair from our arms. But that I'd show her how to shop online and then she could buy everything she needed from her home. She'd never even used the internet before people. How the hell is she supposed to survive and get what she needs if she can't leave the home and she can't shop on the internet? ..... I asked if she had a credit card...NOPES. I told her to ask her husband for a credit card so she could get some personal things she's missing from home...... Then I told her I'd take her shopping soon to get somethings she needs. She said she doesn't know how to use the money. I told her I understood b/c I had a hard time in PK learning how to use the money, and that I'd help her and told her to keep to carry a little card with the conversions on it to make it easier for her.

Now, she's met one other lady who we both like, she's a christian pakistani lady and she has taken Mary to the mall twice and Target once, and she bought some american clothes, but the lady didn't have her try them on...just guessed at her size b/c she'd never bought american clothes before..and they were all the wrong size. I told her to leave the tags on so she could take them back and I'd take her shopping next weekend. Anyway,

NOW HERE'S THE PART WHERE I'D LIKE TO STRANGLE HER HUSBAND MYSELF! Mary had all the sudden had a second heavy period within two weeks. She was thinking it was from the stress, I agreed those secretly suspected something else: miscarriage, but asked if she'd made an appointment with a doctor. She said she'd told her husband and he made an appointment with a doctor for her to see the next day. I ask if it was with a lady doctor, b/c there is one here, and she said no, her husband told her she'd see some doctor he knew. Then she said she'd never been to the gynecologist before and was wondering what they would do. My children were around so I said, "well, it's not fun, but it's necessary. Once the kids step out I'll tell you." Well, the kids never did, and so next thing in the morning I gave her a call. Unfortunately, she didn't answer.

FOR THE FELLAS, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO TO THE GYNOCOLOGIST: They make you strip down completely naked. You put on a gown that comes to your knees and opens up completely in the front. The doctor will come in and have you lie back, will expose you completely and feel each breast for lumps to check for breast cancer. It's really embarrassing but necessary. Then you have to slide your but down to the end of a table, place your feet in stirrups and they take this big ass bright light and shine it on your ass. Then they spread open your legs and slide a calibur inside you, swab with a big cotton swab, stick their finger in to feel around and then it's over. It's extremely embarrassing to go to a man...especially if you have never been exposed to anyone but your husband, and more so if you are a newly wed from Pakistan. Ok, don't be an asshole...take your wife's feeling into consideration and atleast TRY to make an appointment with a woman. Don't just expect her to "adjust" to male doctors if she's never been to one....

I told you I called right? Well, she didn't answer...seems she got so ill that night that her husband took her to the ER and she had to have a DNC (surgery) to remove her miscarriage. I called again the next day to check on her, and she told me what happened. I felt so sorry for her. She said she woke up and didn't even know she'd had a procedure/surgery bc she couldn't understand the doctors. She woke up and asked her husband what was wrong with her. Can you imagine??? Having a procedure/surgery and not knowing it? (or atleast understanding fully).

If you bring your wife over from Pakistan to live in the US..you should expect some serious culture shock. You should take some time off from work to help transition her in. You should help her learn how to use the money, give her a cell phone, help her study for her drivers test, help her shop, give her a credit card and teach her how to drive. You should NOT leave her at home to be alone. This is a recipe for disaster. If you have done this, I promise your wife is at home crying her eyes out miserable right now and just not telling you. You should help her make friends, give her a life beyond sitting at home waiting for you. Make sure she's happy. It's hard moving to a new place. Heck, it's hard even visiting a new place. But don't throw your wife in there and tell her to "figure it all out on her own.

When I got off the phone with her today she said "Sobia, you people are very lucky that you have love marriages." My heart broke for her.
( Poor thing..there's more she told me even..but I think I'll stop now..you get my point).