Tarbeeat

(Not necessarily to agree, but a powerful thought)

ایک شخص نے کسی سے پوچھا کہ مجھے بتلائیں کہ میں اپنے بیٹے کی کیسے تربیت کروں؟

انہوں نے پوچھا کتنی عمر ہے اسکی؟

آدمی نے کہا:7ماہ

انہوں نے کہا کہ  : تم نے تو بہت تاخیر کردی ہے،اولاد کی تربیت تو ماں کے انتخاب سے شروع ہوتی ہے

So well said!

 

One marker of raising good kids

 I think this is an interesting perspective on raising good children, particularly in the Western world.

"If your child calls, texts, or reaches out to his grandparents - without your advice - to convey happy birthday or congratulations or any other sentiments - be assured you have raised a good kid."

Badnasseb Kaandhe

 Kitne badnasseb hain woh kaandhe - jin per kabhi kisi bachhe ne aankhain nahi mondi!

On Parenting, Children and Shepherds

As Jibran said: These are not your children; they are children of the time."

 

 

An Advice

You may not need to agree, but I heard this at an Iftar party. 

 "In this country, sometimes it is tough to give all the religious values to our children. But if you ask me to pick only one value, I will teach them to say Bismillah (in the name of God) at the start of any meal and shukar-alhamdulliah (thank God) at the end of any meal. I believe this will put a lot of things in line. It is easy to teach from an early age by practicing ourselves and asking them to follow."

Doll

One of my nephews has a three-year-old girl. They visited my place just for a couple of hours in my city around eight months ago. The little girl left her doll at my home. Later that night, her mother called to inquire about the doll as the girl kept crying on the airplane. I got the baby girl on Facetime and promised her that I would find her doll. I took it for granted—and completely forgot. We all forgot. 

A week ago, I visited them. As soon as I entered the house, the little girl asked, "Did you find my doll?"

At least to say, I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, and I was apologetic.

When I flew back, the first thing I did was look for her doll. I found it. I FedEx it. She finally got her doll today :)

Someone said, "Every child you encounter is a divine appointment."

*

Worst thing to teach children

 Yesterday I got a piece of very sensible advice:

"Apni aulad pe sab se ziyada zulm tum us waqt kerte ho jab unhe nafrat kerna sikhate ho"

(The worst thing you can do to your children is to teach them to hate)

One philosophy of happiness

When my son was a kid, I watched a lot of this show - Winnie the Pooh. I was astonished to find how subtly they subconsciously used to instill philosophies of life in children. Following regarding happiness stayed one of my all-time favorites.

Empty nest (yes again)

This is the time of the year (August - October) when I hear a lot of crying, vent., experiences of my friends who see-off their kids to college. The USA is a huge country and most of the time children go far away to other states. This is particularly hard when daughters have to go away, knowing our desi culture. One of my friends who sent his daughter to the east coast this year made an interesting comment. Mind it he and his wife watch a lot of Urdu dramas :)

This tells us how the human mind tries different rationalizations to cope with grief in life.

"Pehle hum bachhon ki shadiaN kerte the. Beti susral chali jaati thi to us se - dil maar ker - rishta kam rakhte the ke susraal ko apna ghar samjhe. Ab un ko college bhejte hain - aur dil maar ker baar baar text nahi kerte ke - ab woh nai zindagi main set ho jaaye.  Bachhe baRe ho jaayain to chale hi jaate hain - bus peeche yaadain reh jaati hain. Zindagi ke atthara baras pal main guzar jaate hain".

On "Solace of Third Child"

Every year, I have few friend and colleagues, who at this time of the year get saddened due to "empty nest syndrome", as their kids move out for colleges. USA is a huge country. Despite best efforts, good colleges are usually far and very few parents can keep their children home. It is relatively harder on desi parents as they are as I guess more protective. Out of many stories I hear, following made me smile, so sharing.

"Our third child was an accident. He was born almost 10 years after elder siblings. We were not happy as we always planned to take life easy once both kids are out to college. This unplanned third child at that moment for a while feels like a hurdle. No! we never believed in abortion. It was our child. We loved him anyway. This year, both elders went to college simultaneously and empty house was outrageously depressing. Suddenly, our lives were changed. It does not hit you until that day arrive when you come home after dropping them to their dorm - and they don't come home with you.  We all are so idiots. We plan things and don't value our possessions till we actually know their worth. Human emotions and bonding can't be planned like we so called professionals try to do alike our jobs, finances, house, retirements, investments and cars. Trust me 'empty nest' is a real phenomenon. It depresses people. It changes people. It is slowly draining. Now we find our solace in our third child. He is more precious than ever before. Now we kiss our third child more than ever before".

Related post on empty nest: Nageen

"Desi Parents"

(Following was shared as discussion turned towards "success vs happiness" as goal of parenting)

"I was a typical hovering desi mother. I loved to brag on facebook and home parties about my children's achievements. 100 percent scores, music class, gym class, spelling bees, history projects, science fairs, state tests and all those competitions were must for my children to participate and win. Hell NO to Public schools!!!!!! They were not allowed to think lesser than Harvard, MIT, Stanford or McGill.

It was one regular afternoon. My son didn't come back from school!!!

He was in ninth grade by that time. When he didn't come home in the private ride we hired for him, I called his cell phone. It was off. I called his friends and classmates. He was in school until last minute - but didn't get into the van. I drove to school. It was 5 PM. The school was empty. He was quietly sitting on the side of a bench. As soon as I tapped on his shoulder, he saw me and screamed with fear. He was shaking. He started running as fast as he can from me. Not mentioning the whole drama, he was afraid as he didn't have A grade in his Art class. We came home quietly.

On that day, I canceled my facebook account".


. 

A cruel hidden reality!

(I realized many browsers and hand held devices don' play videos. here is the link for following video.)

 Click here   or cut/paste the below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=d31GbzRvrr8

"My Heart Sinks"

I am teaching elementary school kids for 30 years! I have seen all kinds of student and dealt with all kind of situations but nothing makes my heart weep more than not knowing who is going to pick up kids. Mom calls Dad will pick up the kid. Dad calls Mom will pick up the kid. Mom calls back again - 'No! tell Dad, it is his turn today!'

Yesterday one of my third grader put her head on my shoulder and said: "Teacher I don't want to go home".  First time in 30 years I felt my heart is sinking!

False Feedback

A child was singing a song. Mother said, " you are a great singer."

Father said to Mother that child singing is awful, and if we don't give the proper feedback, the whole school will make fun when he goes on stage. She got mad and continued false feedback!

And this is what exactly happened. The child was hooted so bad on stage; he never tried to sing ever in life!

*

Stuck in 'P' word!

In last few weeks, I am having an interesting interaction with my kids. If I end up saying 'Promise' to anything, no matter what, I have to fulfill it. It ranges from stupid promise of shaving first thing in the morning (as they found my beard ticklish) to taking them to Disney before year's end.

In the beginning I didn't take it seriously but later I realized its value. I maintained steady flow of promises and making sure they get fulfilled (like you get the window seat next time on flying, will take you to dollar store first thing in the morning, will buy Cane's Chicken for you before midnight, Or our next car would be of white color etc etc). My kids will jump in joy if they hear "Promise" with any sentence. They say: "You are now stuck with P word"

I think, I achieved my objective of teaching them lesson that:  "LafzoN ki bari hurmat hoti hai"

Poverty and Human Bonding!

One Awesome Art! (Beggar-Brothers) depicting human bonding in poverty. 

I googled but could not find the original artist!

One baby grave!

I am not a regular visitor to graveyards except if I have to go to a funeral. Last week, I had to go to a funeral of one relative. After rites were over I took a detour to read plates (kutbe) of various graves around. I saw graves of all ages but one grave caught my eye. It was a grave of a 20 days old baby from year 2006 but many new stuffed animals and flowers were lying on it, like it was visited recently and kutba read:

For moments in our arms, 

Forever in our hearts..... 

I stayed there for few moments. Ye Aulad ka dukh bhi bara harami hai, saari zindagi chen nahi lene deta

Boys' sexploitation

Few days ago, I posted my review on off beat bollywood movie "I AM" (here). Rohit is one heck of an intelligent boy from Mumbai. He send me his review. One thing striking in his review is statistics of child abuse back home:

".............The piece, “I am Abhimanyu”, is another very important one. This subject of Child sexual abuse needs more discussion in public domain. This is one area that is mostly shoved under the carpet, in Indian homes. In a survey conducted by government of India, it was found that 53.22% of children being surveyed were sexually abused, out of which 52.9% were boys, a number way higher than the girls (Source –Study on Child Abuse, India 2007 by Ministry of Women and Child Development, Govt. of India. More details are also available on Wikipedia). It is important that we build an atmosphere of confidence in our homes so that children can report such issues at least to someone......"

Also his take on movie is way different than mine (I loved his take on story of Megha). You can read his whole review here

On raising a handicap child!

(God give special kids only to special people)

"Pehloti ki aulad wese hi Ma ko bohat piyari hoti hai. Jub meri pehli beti paida hui to bus woh meri zindagi ho gai. 3 baras ki na hui ke main ne school main daal diya ke parha likha ke tum jesa doctor banun gi! - magar school wale kehte - bachhi dimagi tor pe kamzor hai. Main ne 6 baras main 6 school badle....lekin aakhir tasleem kerna para ke meri bachhi 'mentally challanged' hai. Is aehsas main takleef  bhi thi, be-yaqeeni ki keffiat bhi thi aur guusa bhi tha. Har raat khuda se poochti: 'Main kiyun?' Aur har din meri jinjhalat ka saara baar us bachhi pe girta..... Woh mehmanoN ke saamne khana gira de to sharmindagi mujeh hoti. Woh mehfil main koi na-zeba harkat ker jaaye to mera paara charh jaata..... aur phir jub woh apna sir meri god main rakh ke - apni totli zaban main kehti: 'torry (sorry) mamma' - to khud akele main beth ke khub roti - aur Allah se shikwa kerti: 'Main kiun?' .

Jin waaldain ke bachhe 'handicap' hote hain wahi jaante hain aulad ka dukh.

Main kahan kahan na phiri. Meri 'correspondence ki file' dekh ker America walon ne bhi visa de diya. Main ne America main 12 12 ghante odd jobs ki aur bachhi ki har 'special needs' ki 'therapy' kerwai magar meri apni treatment kaun kerta!

Ye 2004 ki baat hai main Pakistan gai. Jis sawal ka jawab mujeh Boston, LA aur Houston ke bare bare MD, Ph.D na de paaye woh 'ghotki, sindh' ki aik choti si dargah pe aik be-naam baba se mil gaya. Hum to picnic manane gaye the. Wapsi pe yunhi ruk gaye. Huwa kuch yun ke usne wahan bhook piyas se aesa rona shuru kiya ke dua maangne wallon ne ghooom ghoom ke dekhna shuru ker diya. Main jhinjhala gai aur use thappar raseed ker diya ke badbakht kahin theek nahi chalti. Baba ne mera haat pakar ke kaha: : 'O munjhi deeh! (O meri beti) - Sab se ooper wale aasmaan ke maalik ne zameen pe tujeh is ka waali banaya hai. O pagal! apni khushnaseebi ko samjah. Gussa na ker aur bus is baat ko maan le ke rab ne mushkil kaam ke liye tujeh chun liya. Is ke liye paani le aa phir dekh ooper wala tere liye kese baarish barsata hai'  - 'Acceptance' ka jo daras baba se mila main ne baandh liya. Meri bacchi ko main ne sirf piyar dena shuru kiya. Main ne 'embarrass' hona chor diya. Har jagah ab woh mere saath phirti. Meri zindagi yun badli ke bayan nahi ker sakti. Rehmat ki aesi baarish barsi ke meri beti normal to na hui magar us ke chehre ki saari khushian yun jagmagane lagi ke ab mujeh uske bagair aik minute chain nahi aata...She became my best friend"

'Handicap' bachhe ko paalne ka bus yahi gur hai - maan lo, aankhain band karo, gussa pi jao aur bus piyar karo. Itni choti si baat samjhne main barsoN lag gaye.

'Handicap' aulad se wabastagi ka ye piyar dusri aulad se itna mukhtalif hai ke lafzon main bayan nahi ho sakta - jo mehsoos hota hai woh wahi waldain jaante hain - jin ke dil is piyar ke noor se jagmate hain.....................

Choro mere giyani doctor - tum apna 'cheesecake' khao aur meri baaton main sir na khapao!!..."