How you pick the right thing to change - 70/30 rule

While going to board a flight, this book caught my attention and was a great read for a four hours flight.

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith

 In a way, I can see why people have problems choosing what needs fixing. In golf, for example, it is common wisdom that 70 percent of all shots take place within 100 yards of the pin. It’s called the short game, and it involves pitching, chipping, hitting out of sand traps, and putting. If you want to lower your score, focus on fixing your short game; it represents at least 70 percent of your score. Yet if you go to a golf course you’ll see very few people practicing their short game. They’re all at the driving range trying to hit their oversized drivers as far as they can. Statistically, it doesn’t make sense because over the course of 18 holes, they’ll only need their drivers fourteen times (at most) whereas they’ll pull out their short irons and putters at least 50 times. Athletically it doesn’t make sense either. The short game demands compact delicate small-muscle movements; it is much easier to master than the violent big-muscle movements of driving off the tee. Nor does it make sense competitively. 

Actually, the whole book is a great read to improve oneself.

On "Jared Diamond’s Guns, Germs, and Steel"

 Jared Diamond’s Guns, Germs, and Steel has been a riveting yet hefty read.

 It may not be the best text on West vs. the Rest, but at least I did not see racist undertones while trying to understand his problematization of the oversimplified history.

He claims that he was looking for the answers to why history evolved differently on different continents over the last 13 thousand years. He apparently shunned the common racist response of some people/races to be superior to others. His thesis was that the answer had little to do with people and everything to do with their surroundings.

He/his argument/books did become quite controversial. He has been accused of having masked his biological determinism or historical racism in the garb of natural disposition and distribution of resources. However, biology has been used to explain a lot of other world dynamics: gender relations, patriarchy/matriarchy, sexuality, success, wealth, and cognition.

The "Jared Diamond is a racist" argument suggests that environmental, ecological, and geographical factors led to the West's colonization of the rest, ignoring the determinants of this. Diamond's argument is seen as racist, as it overlooks the terrible actions of Europeans and their unfavorable ideologies.

European descendants can find comfort in the thought that those before them weren't so bad after all while the Whites may find comfort in the thought of no longer having to deal with the horrors of invasion, slavery, and genocide.

But JD (though sometimes extends it too far) does not say any of that. He says that the different historical paths of different countries are not due to racial superiority but to environmental factors. He thinks geographical traits and the availability of plants and animals that can be tamed are two of the most important factors that determine how societies grow. He challenges the idea that racial differences alone are to blame for past events and stresses how important it is to understand these factors to fix world problems of inequality.

Children's book

This always reminds me of Winnie the Pooh.

 

Practice Makes Permanent

 Last week was reading Elizabeth McCormick's book 'The P.I.L.O.T METHOD". 

She is an interesting character and I was privileged to get her book free from her, and signed by her.

It's a quick read.

She says a beautiful thing: "Practice Makes Permanent".

[Good or bad habit - it becomes permanent with time].. so true.

On "Reading Books"

I read this quote somewhere on net, and loved it:

"I don’t read books to learn from them. I read them to experience them, and to learn about myself through those experiences."

That's how books should be read.

Going Deep

One thing I have learned over many years is that what you see people on the face value, people are way more than that. You have to go way deep down or wait till they show their mojo to you.

Every human is a book in itself.

I read Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture" again after almost 10 years. I was always reluctant to agree with him on this but I think he was absolutely right when he said: "Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you. When you are pissed off at somebody, and you're angry at them, you just haven't given them enough time. Just give them a little more time — and they'll almost always impress you."

The Clothing of Books (Jhumpa Lahiri)

"In America I attended public school, where everyone wore what they wanted. And I was tormented by this choice, by this freedom".

Jhumpa Lahiri - "The Clothing of Books".

Finally, I got time to order this book. More than anything, it is a long essay, a vent or an emotional review about jackets/covers of the book. And, how authors' are left behind by publishers' for this important aspect of the book.

What author writes, feels and attaches him or herself - a cover designed solely to look beautiful and attract people at bookshop window - may take away everything from the heart of the author.

But, as brilliant she is and matured immensely over years (and a teacher of creative writing), she beautifully tagged it with the emotional dichotomy of people who spend their lives in foreign lands.

I admire her as from the very first paragraph - as she described the every morning sight of school uniforms clad children back home - she grabbed my attention and I finished the whole read in one sitting, an unusual thing for a man like me with ADHD.

"On the one hand, I want desperately to belong, to have a clear identity. On the other, I refuse to belong, and I believe that my hybrid identity enriches me. I will probably always remain torn between these two roads, these two impulses".

My review of her book in 2 lines is

Hum desi log andar se kuch aur hote hain aur
hamara cover uper se kuch aur ban jaata hai

Thriving or Surviving?

Last week, I had to travel for a work. Although, I gave up on self-help type books but was unable to find any other book so picked Matthew Kelly's "The seven Level of Intimacy" for airline read. (here). Overall, it is a very mediocre book, but one section of this book was relatively out of box, and talks about the value of 'discipline' in life. He equates discipline as a basic building block of integrity, honesty and commitment. Just a quote: "Freedom is not the ability to do whatever you want. Freedom is the strength of character to do what is good, noble, and right. Freedom is the ability to choose and celebrate the-best-version-of-yourself in every moment. Freedom without discipline is impossible".

He asked an interesting question: "Are you thriving? Or are you just surviving?"

Three Dreams of Ann Frank

Last week, I had to go to Iowa for hospital work. I was tagged with a local family doctor. It was an eye-opener. We drove miles and miles of beautiful, lush green cornfields and soybean farms. He told me that his family always wanted him to be a farmer, but he decided to be a small-town doctor, though he still helps out his father as a part-time farmer. I laughed and said: "In our part of the world, all parents want their children to be doctors."

Most importantly, I learned that small farmers struggle in the midwest USA despite highly fertile land. They have been exploited in the same way as in any other part of the world. Small farmers can not compete with big giant corporations and are eventually bullied out to sell their farms (Ha! Walmart). The cost and maintenance of new farming machines are skyrocketing. To ease the pain of financial hardships, towns set up small weekly markets for local farmers and retailers to sell vegetables, fruits, crafts, etc. We drove to the neighboring state of Minnesota to see the Thursday market in Rochester. There was a stall of books written by local authors. I bought a storybook by Rod Starcke: "Three Dreams of Anne Frank." It was an interesting story of a young girl, Anne, struggling to write a good Fairy tale. As the story evolves, she goes through a mystical journey of three dreams named Ocean, Church, and The Tracks (of the train) - where out of her fear and fight for survival (and her deaths), she learns to help out other people At the end, she writes: "Finally! I have it right. Ellen dies and comes back in people's dreams so that she can keep comforting them even after death".

It sounds like a typical life story of any Sufi !!!

I was not expecting such a forceful story sitting at a small stall in a small town. It was just beautiful.

*

'Keep Moving'

As they say in Africa: "When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground with him."

My initial inspiration for writing stories, learning lessons of life, and thinking out of the box came from my Nana (maternal grandfather). I used to spend hours and hours just sitting and listening to him. To make a long story short, I still get excited when I hear older people sharing lessons from their lives. In this regard, my favorite article is from Khushwant Singh HERE.

A week ago, I enjoyed reading Dick Van Dyke's book 'Keep Moving' on a similar theme. He is now almost 90 and thinks the following five things matter in life.

1. Family and Friends - particularly children.

2. Habit to Question things, concepts, and curiosities around

3. Appreciation of good Music and the ability to dance to it

4. Reading and having books

5. A good sense of humor

I loved his comment: "Collect experiences, not memories." (Take away lesson for me from his book).

I honestly believe that good sleep and good dreams are essential for the healthy psyche of any human. He says forgiveness is the best sleeping pill at a philosophical level, but pragmatically, if you write down your to-do list for the next day (or try to write down your emotions) on paper, it will make you light, and you will sleep better.

I have been writing diary since the age of 19, and this practice has helped me.

*

"The Forty Rules of Love"

I was recommended "The Forty Rules of Love" by Elif Shafak few months ago as a mystical novel. Novel has made good waves, positive reviews and has been on best seller lists. Personally, I was not very impressed with novel's content as it may be a novelty for western audience but most of the mystic/sufi stories/lessons/hikayaat are well known to any student raised in eastern, specially Islamic society. For me it was more of a romantic novel (lonely housewife falling in love over internet - yawn - )!

Said that, I have to acknowledge that novel was crafted very skillfully and blended beautifully with famous story of Shams and Rumi. It was a delight despite all its fault and speaks of maturity of author as a novel writer. Characters of Ella and Aziz are very human - and the way Rumi and Shams were erected in novel, was commendable. I felt like roaming on the streets of Konya in 13th century!

Central core and theme of novel is human love and as an extension, divine love. It reminded me a lesson of sufism, I heard years ago: "Ishqe Haqiqi main kaamyabi ki kaleed Ishqe Majazi main na-kaami ka bunyadi tajarba hai". Or in simple words: "Road to divine love goes through agony of human love".

On 'Mortality' & 'Simple Joys of Life'

Few days ago, someone asked me about mortality. Since that day, I wanted to share one finest thing, I ever read on mortality. Its from a well known American novel "Water for Elephants" authored by a Canadian, Sara Gruen. 

"I am ninety. Or ninety-three. One or the other. 

When you're five, you know your age down to the month. 

Even in your twenties you know how old you are. I'm twenty three, you say, or maybe twenty-seven. But then in your thirties something strange starts to happen. It's a mere hiccup at first, an instant of hesitation. How old are you? Oh, I'm-you start confidently, but then you stop. You were going to say thirty-three, but you're not. You're thirty-five. And then you're bothered, because you wonder if this is the beginning of the end. It is, of course, but it's decades before you admit it".

and

"Sometimes I think that if I had to choose between an ear of corn or making love to a woman, I'd choose the corn. Not that I wouldn't love to have a final roll in the hay-I am a man yet, and some things never die-but the thought of those sweet kernels bursting between my teeth sure sets my mouth to watering. It's fantasy, I know that. Neither will happen. I just like to weigh the options, as though I were standing in front of Solomon: a final roll in the hay or an ear of corn. What a wonderful dilemma. ...."

Your love language?

Lately I was very busy working and travelling. One friend complaint that I am not answering his calls, texts and emails - and I am not that old friend as before! It reminded me of famous book by Gary Chapman "The five love languages". Every human eventually fall into one category

1. receiving gifts, - You feel loved by getting gifts
2. quality time, - you feel loved if someone spend time with you
3. words of affirmation, - you like to get acknowledgement 
4. acts of service,  - you feel loved if someone do stuff for you 
5. physical touch - you feel loved by hugs and cuddling

My love language is 'words of affirmation'. My friend's love language is probably 'quality time'. You can check your love language here or here

The Mayor of Casterbridge - 3

(An email. The previous 2 posts on 'The Mayor Of Casterbridge" are here and here )

I was unable to comment on your post - FYI

I read both posts on "The Mayor of Casterbridge." I understand every person has his own view on such so-called classic novels. I respect the opinions expressed in both previous posts in this regard. But, I think Thomas Hardy, throughout the novel, is trying to develop a portrait of a man who did something very wrong in his life. Now as a man of Conscience, he is trying, as best he can, to pay the price of his wrongful act. The novel's climax comes when he fails to win his stepdaughter ("I loved you late, but I loved you well"). I have read the last letter of Michael Henchard many times and always wind up with tears in my eyes:

 'That Elizabeth-Jane Farfrae be not told of my death, or made to grieve on account of me. 

 that I be not bury'd in consecrated ground. 
that no sexton be asked to toll the bell. 
that nobody is wished to see my dead body. 
that no mourners walk behind me at my funeral. 
that no flours be planted on my grave.
that no man remember me. 
To this I put my name. 

 'Michael Henchard.' 

 It is sad. It's tragic - and probably many good men live and die like this!

(call me whatever!)

*

On 'Day to Day Living'

Sometime life can be a real B**** (with upper case/capital letter!). Found this interesting quote from a book I recently read. Dr.Brene' Brown's, 'The Gifts of Imperfection'

"Today, I am going to believe that showing up is enough"! 

NOW!

"Everything is honored, but nothing matters" - Eckhart Tolle in "The Power of NOW"

(If you have time, read this book. It will make a difference. There is a reason this book sold in millions)

Love, InshAllah

 It took me a month to finish 25 true stories of Muslim women who spoke about their romantic and sexual side. It was not only an interesting read but an important one. Being a man of Muslim immigrant heritage who is raising a daughter, it was simultaneously heartwarming as well as disturbing to learn about the passion as well as pressure on Muslim women in western society. These stories range from traditional matchmaking at one extreme to graphic detail of a lovemaking act to an other extreme! It talk about rape, coming out of lesbian closet, infatuation, heartbreaks, polygamy and as well as it talk about marriage proposals for Green Card. It also talk about Istikhara, prayers and divine intervention via dreams. It talk about inter-racial marriages, 3 marriages, successful marriage with a man carrying 5 kids from previous, and about gori getting married to a brown boy! Also, it talk about racism against 'blacks' from their own religious community. It describes a girl attached to a Muslim rock band and punks!

Some stories are just cute (can't find better word than this) like of both Ayeshas, Leena, Nura, Nour Gamal and Huda. Zahra Noorbakhsh's take was extremely funny (I got the Hole). Yasmin Khan talk about blog, chat and facebook. Story of going back to first love from Safiyyah is very interesting. Leila Khan story will break your heart as like wait of Chinyere Obimba!

Men in stories will equally leave mark on you like Javed (loved him), Matthew, Marcelo, Mika'l, Mike and Mohamed of Egypt.

Stories are divided into 5 sections. 1) Allah Alim: its about girls meeting their first love 2) Alif: it mostly talk about their first sexual encounter 3) International Habibti: It talks about affair overseas 4) Third Time's the Naseeb: It talked about relationship after 2 previous failed marriages 5) Ayat: Relationship via cyber world.

Kargass Jaati ke Shudar!

I think, Raja Gidh (King Vulture) is the biggest novel ever written in Urdu literature. I had many moments in life where I took this book out and always found it mesmerizing.

One interesting read from it. - "Hum dono kargass jaati ke shudar the..."

Noticer

 "Noticer" - one of the finest book I read in recent memory, written by Andy Andrews. In one way this book is just a story but in actuality it explores different situations of life where just looking things from different 'perspective' - makes the whole difference. It discusses situation of a young teenager plunged into depression, a couple near divorce, a middle age hard working professional who is just not sure why thing are falling apart despite sincere hard work, young college graduates confused about picking right life partners, a person who is trying to reach success by short cuts, an old lonely lady who now feels worthless.....and many others.

My favorite line from book:  "Logic warned him to keep quiet, but something more powerful gave him a sense of well-being, of trust."

Playing with Fire!

(I found the following statement from Dr. Steve Stephens (here). 

"Porn is a serious danger to most men, implanting unrealistic visual and sexual expectations; romance novels and some movies and TV shows can also be risky for many women, implanting unrealistic romantic expectations." (From  his book 'Lost in Translation')

Related post: Divorcing on 5th Anniversary